ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
