i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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