First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
