Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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