oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
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