I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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