i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize