Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
