I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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