new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
