I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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