you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
