You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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