he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize