Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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