So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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