If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
