i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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