We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
