Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
well you can't waste a boner
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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