If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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