look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
