Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
