I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize