If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
