I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He passed out mid-signature
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I want to fling myself into the sun
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
