We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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