No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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