Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
