I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
