I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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