when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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