I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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