dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
