I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Randomize
