we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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