I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
