wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he thought i was a dude.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
