It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
