I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
She just used a chaser for red wine.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
