i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
