I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
