I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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