i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
