our cab driver is having phone sex.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
