i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
