We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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