We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
it's like heaven, but drunker
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
