she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
