I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
