But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
