my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize