Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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