apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
