Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
