I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
