I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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