I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
