I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
