Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
