i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
