there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
