On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
These tits shall not be calmed
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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