Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
