omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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