She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
