Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize