I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
