Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize