i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
