The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
