Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
