I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
